When children are involved, it is important that we rise above our adult differences, act with integrity
throughout the divorce process ...
- Barbara Coloroso

You're now separated or divorced, and your former spouse, is still in the picture -- with joint or shared responsibility (a.k.a. custody). While your former romantic relationship with her has ended, another is about to begin ... and it's success or failure will have everything to do with the attitude from which it is approached.

Welcome to the sometimes rocky world of co-parenting.

You now face the task of having to effectively communicate, co-ordinate, plan, and schedule routines related to your kids, with a person with whom you might not even want to talk to right now. After all, the issues that were present at the time of your break up likely still exist. If poor communication or a difference in parenting styles were included in this list, then this new task can be quite a challenge.

You might ask yourself, "Is it worth the effort?"

You bet! You can find every reason you need in the eyes and hugs of your children. It's for their sakes, not yours, that you need to embark on developing, not just a co-parent relationship, but a positive co-parent relationship with your former spouse.

Parenting guru Barbara Coloroso sums up this need to overcome your past differences and work towards a positive future, beautifully in her book, Parenting Through Crisis:

The impact a divorce has on children has much to do with the maturity, good sense, and goodwill of the parents, as well as the age, emotional and psychological maturity and gender of the children.

You will likely be involved in matters, and seeing your ex-wife for the rest of your kids' lives -- as they grow up, finish school, and potentially marry and start families of their own. How you chose to act and respond can make all the difference in the eyes and emotional well-being of your children's lives ... both now, and in the way they approach similar matters in their adult years.

This being said, here are some ideas to ponder as you begin the life-long process of raising your children as a responsible and positive co-parent ...

Schedules. When do the children live with you? When do they live with their mother? Agreeing on a schedule can be a tricky thing. Here are some considerations:

• During the week, your children need to live within a reasonable distance to their school. Depending on distances to your homes, this might dictate where they live during the week. Since my divorce, I have stayed within 20 minutes of the children's other house, allowing me to easily see them throughout the week.

• Is the schedule too busy? Do the kids feel like they are living out of suitcases? Are they constantly going back and forth? Your perception may be different from theirs -- ask them.

• What about their friends? As they get older, friends will take on a new importance. If they are constantly "away" on weekends, will they miss out on important birthday parties, sleepovers, or being able to work on school projects with classmates? While in elementary school, I saw my Mom every other weekend. This time was sacred to me. As invitations came in, I always declined, and have never regretted this choice. However, as an adult looking back, I realize that I missed many "normal" childhood experiences due to this rigid schedule. Something to think about.

• Are you flexible? Although you might know the kids are with you on Mondays, Wednesdays, and every other week-end, is there flexibility? You should consider what you will do in the case of illness, special events, birthdays, holidays, etc. One of the great things about my co-parenting relationship is that my kid's Mom and I have always remained very flexible, and willing to re-work the schedule to meet our needs, or those of our kids.

Holidays & Birthdays. How will you split up extended holidays like Christmas? Who will have the kids on their birthday? Here are some tips:

• Alternate. Although this might seem especially hard, the first year you are apart, this is a good compromise. For example, one year the kids will be with you for March Break, the following year, with their mother. For longer vacation periods, such as Christmas, you might split it into times or weeks. For example, one of the best parts of Christmas with small children is watching the excited looks on their faces, as they race to the Christmas tree to see what Santa brought, or the mess the reindeer made as they ate the carrots that were left out for them. So, each year, my kids spend Christmas Eve and morning at one home, and then at the other home the following year.

Never put the kids in the middle. You divorced your spouse, not your kids, so be sure not to put them in the middle of adult situations. The worst thing I have seen friends and acquaintances do, is bad-mouth or verbally run-down the other parent in front of their kids -- dragging them into the debate or conflict. Why do your kids have to know how frustrated you are with their mother, or what you think of their parenting skills? Use friends and family to vent these feelings, if you need to let it out, but not your kids. After all, they feel loyalty to both parents, and your words or actions can end up making them feeling guilty about thinking negative things about their Mom.

Keep your perspective. When you are starting to lose your cool about something that has been done or said about you, try to remain calm, and put it into perspective. Ask yourself:

• In the grand scheme of things, how does this rate? How do these details relate to the big picture? Does it really matter?

• Does this make a difference? Will this make a difference in my life in five years? (Or will you have forgotten about it by the end of the week?)

• You're upset, but was anyone or anything injured? (Besides your feelings or pride?)

Agree to disagree. In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey talks about perspective, and how two people can look at the same scene, or witness the same accident, yet have seen different things. Try to acknowledge the fact that someone may have a different perspective that you — and see the same situation completely differently. Sometimes the other person can be persuaded to change their mind. Other times, you must both take the higher road, and acknowledge the other's perspective, then agree to disagree.

Keep your cool, AND your sense of humour. Recently I was in a car accident. I was on my way to pick up my kids after school, when suddenly, and without warning, another driver dashed out in front of me, trying to make a quick left hand turn. We collided — my airbags went off, my car was seriously damaged. I called 911, and the police were dispatched. Here I was ... without a vehicle, standing in the rain, my kids waiting for me, AND the other driver yelling at me. Life was not good. I was angry at this incompetent driver for wrecking my car and my plans. Did I get sucked into an argument? No. Instead, I waited quietly for the police to arrive. After assessing all the damage to my car, one of the police officers asked me how I was doing. My reply? "I'm OK. After all, the car had to go in for an oil change anyway." She couldn't believe that after all I had been through, I could still keep my sense of humour. That to me, is the key. No matter what life throws at you, remember, you have a choice on how to react.

Try to be consistent. Ideally, both parents would uphold the same standards, limits, and routines in both homes when it came to raising their kids. However, this is not always possible. The more consistent things can be for kids between their homes (ie. bed times, disciplinary measures) the easier it will be for the kids to know what to expect. However, when you both "agree to disagree" (see above), it is important that YOU are at least consistent within your own home. Children like consistency. My general philosophy to both parenting and teaching has been, "Firm, fair, and consistent". It has saved me many hours of arguments over the years. They know when bedtime is (with exceptions for special events), and for the most part, "No" means "No", and whining won't get me to change my mind.